I don’t know if this should be an outlet or a farewell letter.
For being still alive, guardian, I honour you. I have had times where sense was nowhere to be found. Not under any rock, not in any corner, nor any hidden place. Times with hope as fire that burnt its last ember.

I feel the more I understand the world, the more it seems obvious I am alone. Nothing can ever feel the void within my heart. I don’t know if I can pursue this path with this feeling. Even walk another step. How long can I rest under the tree, pretending I am not feeling this pain? Is any of it worth going further?

Precious inner guardian, can you hold the despair that wants to run my hands? A drive for destruction, can you temper?
Will I ever connect… some faith in life?

Some product of a broken home
Flooded by tears
Born in a weep, my lullaby
I still hear in my sleep
And that won’t stop
Or fade

Bathed in waters tainted with pink
Drops from the wounds that you could never heal
Raised in pieces
Holding my cuts from broken glass
That I would pick
Between the screams
And where my innocence was smashed

I would hold up my breath
Long before I could speak
And I would close my eyes
For this to disappear
I used to hope that I would disappear
But nightmares would go on
As sun would rise

Somewhere I’ll be bleeding
Always

But I’m alive and standing up
I can’t believe I have turned out into a sane
Healthy, heartfelt woman
Not dark
And nor frozen
Definitely fragile but not fully broken
Just bruised
I made it through

I am alive

I made it

I survived

I feel no taste
And I could drown in mud
Without any protestation
My hope is gone
And light
Is nowhere to be seen

I have had no picture
Of a better or brighter tomorrow
That would save me
Only emptiness
Maybe that’s why I sleep 14 hours a day
And can’t wake up in the morning

I have dug all the dirt
And opened all the wounds
Only to realize
I am not sure I want to heal
Not sure I want to collaborate
With life as it is now
And to where it’s headed

I walk head down
Straight to nowhere
As agitation pass me by
My heart beating
On automatic rate
Autopilot prevents me from asking myself
The too many questions
That will lead me to acknowledge
An empty future
With no motivation
Nor energy
To fight

I wonder how long I
Am gonna last
Before my heart explodes
From its heartache
And my feet finally let go
And let me fall

His words come out
I see him hesitate
I hold my breath
Waiting for the next sound
That might nurture my heart
Or will confirm my fears

My chest pounding
As guilt leans on
In hope that he feels love
And not anger, nor deception
For my hectic
And despair behaviour
When I don’t recognize myself
But that definitely pushes him away

Then anything from him
Comes with deep interpretation
A look down, or aside
An absence of smile
Silence
The time he takes to formulate
An answer to those simple questions

It’s like my fate will be
Sealed at the end of his sentence
From which every word tortures me
With its suspense
Of a happy
Or reject epilogue

My body’s tense and dry
Light as a cloud
Just electricity from all this cortisone
That burns my inner pride
And melts it all inside
Until I might fall down
Eaten away, from fear of him
To hate this part of me

Je vois ces lignes de chair qui dessinent mes courbes
De ses doigts si légers qui m’effleurent lentement
M’enveloppent tendrement d’une chaleur sourde
Et me bercent à dormir sur son cœur accueillant

Ce sont mes armes qui tombent, les tranchées qui s’écroulent
Face à ce soldat nu et usé par le froid
Qui malgré ses blessures et ses peines qui coulent
Et malgré mes défenses, a su m’ouvrir ses bras

C’est son sang qui circule dans ce corps si vivant
Qui fait battre la vie sur mes os poussiéreux
D’un baiser délicat il me touche en l’instant
Et l’émotion me prend jusqu’à troubler mes yeux

Le sait-il cet homme, sait il qu’il est un ange
Ou se croit il encore ravagé par la guerre
Car nul n’illumine d’un rayon si intense
Et aucun ne saurait être si doux sur terre

Pour avoir pu percer mon univers de glace
D’un soleil naissant ce sont mes doutes qui fondent
Sur les peurs et les peines de tous les liens qui cassent
Il sait me rassurer sur la chaleur du monde

Je marche vers l’amour qui repose en ses mains
Elles me mènent à lui un peu plus chaque jour
Et l’idée d’un réveil près de lui chaque matin
Remplit déjà mon cœur de chaleur et d’amour

Rereading poetry of my nineteenth year
I realize that I forgot that girl
The dark, alone, and hopeless little girl
That somewhere lives inside of me

Society does not handle darkness so well
It only absentmindedly creates
From empty hearts and appearances
Little black holes in a child’s life

But all grown up everyone will expect
This wounded child to toughen up
And smile, and laugh, and stand
But never fall, or never cry, certainly not complain

Along society I too buried this girl
Told her not to feel anymore
Told her not to breathe anymore
So much damage unrecognized

I close my eyes into the crowd
In hope to find this kid
And wrap her close with love
Attention that she never had

Just say “I know”
That it’s ok if she can’t drag her feet
In front of the other no more
That she’s allowed to be different

And she can go and weep, and scream,
And watch the sky
And swim, and burn
And take her time… to heal

Am I losing myself again?
Searching for another shadow of my distress
In the eyes of a sought stranger
Looking for a familiar face
That is only ever an illusion

Can an understanding finally be received
That would appease my wonderings
My maybe just pathological need
For a reflection of myself

Looking outside for someone to love me
For my beloved but lost twin to save me
And just to hear those words :
“I know”

In you Brother I found myself a reason
For the desperate emptiness inside
But am I not fooling myself again
Wishing for someone that would give me back my inner pride
Some love for wounds that I can no longer look at
I can no longer hold,
In the cruelty of my empty arms

Is this not refusing to be down there?
To always trip to some place in my head
Where time has stopped and pain is bright
But not ignored

And every day it steals more energy
For me to shrine this place
Every minute I see clearly
That I can no longer pretend

Alone it seems I can’t break through
Alone it feels I can’t come down
And here I catch myself thinking
This would have been different if you were there

Can a hand ever be offered
To a heart that has been resting in ice coffin
How ironic is the cold that surrounds my skin
When inside is fire and pounding blood

Condemned to an eternity searching for you
I locked myself in a chamber
Where I lie, burning, by myself
I am only looking for a savior
To hold me, hold me close
But in the end he’ll only hold the envelope
Where I am not

Une descente dans les ombres
Chaque jour s’accélère
Vers un univers triste
De ténèbres et de guerre

Cet enfer est un lieu
Où l’on ne peut dormir
D’une peur permanente
De tout ce qui déchire

S’empêcher d’y tomber
Oh je connais ce monde
Où la noirceur pénètre
Et l’odeur est immonde

Et mon corps écorché
Git béant sous mes yeux
Plaies mal cicatrisées 
Je m’écoule peu à peu

Mon âme s’est envolée 
Ne supportant le gouffre
Elle m’a laissée sombrer
En quittant ce qui souffre

Mes yeux se sont emprunts
De tant d’images noires
Je les serrais sans fin
Pour un nouvel espoir

Le soleil s’est un jour levé
Sur la terre de poussière
Cognant ce voile épais
Filtre de toute lumière

J’ai longtemps pris mes ailes
Pour élever l’horizon
Enfant déchue d’un monde
En dehors des saisons

Je marche ce matin
Sur cette terre nouvelle
Car mes larmes semblent avoir enfin
Su écouler ma peine

J’ai fini par trouver
Le sens de mes pas
Je sens la vie vibrer
Sur le bout de mes doigts

Quelques rayons dorés
Jouent joyeusement avec mes cils
Et mon regard changé
Découvre une autre ville

Au travers de l’enfer
La vie a persisté
Sous mon regard renait
Le monde et sa beauté